Inner Beauty

Photo by David Castillo Dominci

By Christy Goines

I am fat, but I am beautiful. You may not think so, but you do not know me. Beauty is beneath the skin; beauty is me.

I believe in inner beauty.  It shouldn’t matter what we wear or what we look like. It takes more for someone to get to know us than to judge us by looks. The way we look has dominated the way we feel and has controlled the way we think. The world has taught us that beauty is on the outside, not in.

Being the “fat kid” all my life, I’ve been through some bouts of depression and eating disorders. I always wanted to be thin. If I was thin, I would be more popular or have more love.  At the age of 8, I was put on a diet; my meals were:

·       Breakfast, 1 boiled egg,

·       1 slice of wheat bread, a slice of cheese, and water or cranberry juice

·       Lunch: half of a grapefruit, a boiled egg, water or cranberry juice

·       Dinner: a six ounce piece of chicken, a quarter of a potato, and water or cranberry juice.

Lucky for me, I stayed with my grandmother every weekend, and she would let me cheat. I never understood why I was singled out the way I was. My brother was a chubby kid, too. Why wasn’t he put on a diet as well?

I tried hundreds of other diets, but none of them ever worked. I tried bulimia, which lasted a day. Putting my finger down my throat didn’t really appeal to me as much as I thought.

I felt bad about my body because of one person: my Dad.  He was so obsessed with why I was fat, that it made me self-conscious . I began to think there was something wrong with me. By the time I was 13, I was obsessed with losing weight and being skinny. I was self-conscious about everything. If it was tight or looked too tight, I wouldn’t wear it. My best friends at the time would tell me I wasn’t fat, that I was beautiful, but it still wouldn’t sink in.

I became so obsessed with my outer beauty that my inner beauty turned ugly and cold. I lashed out to make myself feel better. I was asked to be in my uncle’s wedding, but when they couldn’t find a dress for me, I ended up in a maternity dress, at age 13. My confidence was shot. There wasn’t even a hint of it left. 

It took me till the age of 15 to realize that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I had this amazing boost of self-confidence. I began to work on my inner beauty. I was thriving. I met the man that would later become my husband. At first, we didn’t meet in person. We talked on the phone and passed notes through friends. He didn’t love me for what I looked like or what I wore; he loved me for me. 

Years later, a friend of mine admitted that my self-confidence intimidated a lot of the guys we knew.  They couldn’t handle that I didn’t care what they thought. It made me smile. I love myself for who I am and who I want to be.

Inner beauty is me.