Unsolicited: The Saga of the DudeBros

By: Dallas Jones

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Buzz buzz.

I picked up my phone and checked. “It’s a Match!” blinked happily across my screen. I set the phone down to go back to homework.

Buzz buzz.

“You have a new message from DudeBro!” said my notifications bar. No, the guy’s name wasn’t really DudeBro, but you catch my drift. I set my phone down once more to regain focus on my work. The convenience of being able to respond to the message at a later time is one of the great benefits of dating in today’s day and age.

Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.

All messages from DudeBro with an alarming escalation of content. It started with “Hey” and ended with a rather raunchy, unsolicited picture. (You know the kinds I’m talking about. If you don’t, I’m a little jealous.) Well then, moving right along. One of the great downfalls of dating in today’s day and age.

Except there wasn’t any sort of moving right along, even after I caved and silenced my phone so the buzzing would stop. The next four guys were essentially DudeBro 2.0 through DudeBro 5.0. Not the exact same progression in message content, but generally after a handful of text exchanges they were once again sending unsolicited pictures, or requesting to receive pictures.

What I really want to know is how often does this tactic work? Somewhere along the line I imagine it had to have worked. How else would all of these guys have decided this was a good idea? It’s not that they were unattractive, but if all I wanted to do was ogle a guy and be interested because of his looks, I’d Google myself up a batch of Gerard Butler pictures circa 300 and call it a day.

Kindly, this isn’t geared toward just guys. They’re just who I get messages from. I’m not mistaken enough to think that sometimes women can be just as forward. All I’m saying is that maybe we should start reconsidering how we approach one another.

Buzz buzz.

“You have a new message from Gentlemanly!”

“Hi there. I was reading over your profile, and it seems like we have some things in common. Any chance you would be interested in meeting up for a hot beverage sometime?”

Generic, but at least it’s not another dude with his tongue hanging out his mouth, shirtless in a messy bathroom…

Buzz buzz.

“You have a new message from DudeBro 6.0!”

Great.